Candy is the Devil

            I have a love/love relationship with candy. I love it and it loves to go to my ass and stay there. I try to avoid candy for this reason but I am weak and can only say no so many times.

            Halloween is hard for me, as is Christmas and Easter and birthdays and any other time of the year when candy is on the guest list. The only candy that I can say with all certainty that I hate is Peeps. You know, those marshmallow shapes covered in sugar…they make me sick but only because, years ago, my then sister-in-law and I ate a record 92,000 Peeps, in the car, as we drove to her father’s house from a grocery store so that we would not have to share them with our families when we got back to his house. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t 92,000 and sure, we had it coming for cramming them all so we wouldn’t have to share but I have never been able to look a Peep in the face since then. As a joke one year my friend Frank got me a special surprise for my birthday, which happens to fall in the spring when Peeps are in bloom.. A bag of Peeps. I felt my lunch rumble a little. Thankfully it didn’t escape.

            Halloween candy presents another problem. I have three kids and they trick-or-treat. There are bags of candy in this house the day after Halloween and it is too much for me. If it isn’t hidden I will eat it. All. I will eat all of my children’s hard earned Halloween candy. I have done it before and I will do it again if I am not stopped. This happened as recently as last Halloween. My husband came home from work and asked what happened to all of the candy for he thought that he would indulge in a tiny candy bar or two. Foolish man.  I told him that I was weak and that he needed to help me. He took the pitiful amount of remaining candy to his truck and locked it in, then hiding the keys. I felt the monkey crawl off my back at that point.

            My children didn’t get upset with me, they understood and I did promise to make it up to them and buy them more candy on the condition that they hid it from me. They did, they are good boys.

I stopped buying Halloween candy years ago because the candy never made it to Halloween night. Ever. And now I take my children out into the night to beg for candy to support my habit. Such is the lot of the candy addict.