Walker Races

            When the twins were little they were the fastest crawlers I had ever seen so when we were able to stick them in walkers we thought that that would be easier, and it was. Sort of.

            When roaming around our house they couldn’t do a lot of damage, we thought. Adam had a ladle (Yes, a kitchen utensil. It was plastic. He liked it and I never used it so I gave it to him) and while traveling around the house he swung it at a door that had a large mirror on it. He cracked that and broke the ladle in half. Okay, not so harmless but no injuries so that was fortunate. It never occurred to me that he would hit that mirror; he liked to look in it so much that causing harm to it was, to me, unthinkable. Besides, he was little, under one-year old, so him being strong and coordinated enough to break anything was not a possibility. He mostly just chewed on that ladle, he never hit anything with it. Until he did.

            We had our house set up so that the boys could travel around and have plenty of space but not be able to get out of our sight. When it was nice out my husband came up with a spectacular idea. We took the boys and their walkers outside and let them roam up and down our driveway. It was paved and there was no way that they could tip themselves over or end up in the yard or in the road. We would set them up and we would get some lawn chairs out and keep them company. Back and forth, for hours they would walk and run up and down the driveway. They couldn’t get to the road because there is a sidewalk and the gravel driveway beyond that to keep them honest.

            Shoes were too cumbersome for them and bare feet on a paved driveway was not going to happen so we put them in socks and let them go. Occasionally Drew would wear a hole in the top of his sock.  That’s right, on the top of his foot. He would get going and end up dragging one of his feet while he coasted or he would end up dragging it while he ran but either way, there was a hole in the top of that little sock.

            Our neighbors would smile and wave when they walked or drove by, seeing our kids cruising the driveway. I often wondered if they would venture by to get a better look at the coasters in their walkers. I would’ve, it was hilarious.

Library Hot Laps

            On a particularly lovely October day my boys had the day off from school, conferences you know. We hung out at home for a while and then decided to go to our local library as I am a huge reader and there is a wonderful children’s section and I can read to the boys there as well. It’s fun, usually. We got to the library and started to investigate what was new and happening. It happened to be Homecoming for the local school and we had time to see the parade that was starting within the hour. We didn’t make the parade. The boys and I spent some time in the kids section looking at books, doing puzzles and just enjoying ourselves. Alex was wandering around in another section and just being his quiet, good-natured self. After a bit I decide that I want to look around for myself and take the boys with me to the upper level. They decide that running would be a good idea. It wasn’t. I caught up with them and scolded them. They know how to behave. We move along. Then I see one is climbing up on a chair and jumps before I can register my library appropriate freak out. I have it out with them again and threaten that if they don’t behave and obey the rules of the library we are going to leave and miss the parade. This, I thought, would work. Next thing I know, I’ve lost track of the little track stars, they are off and running again. At this, I am fuming and have lost the ability to care about the parade and the candy that my kids would catch and that I would ultimately consume. I have them each by the hand and collect Alex and we leave the building. As I am getting them into the van Drew tells me that he had a great time seeing all the cool things at the library and that the only way to see all the cool things is to run. Sorry? He says that since there are so many things to see and the library is so big you have to run through it to actually see all of it. This kid is good. He knows I am ready to blow my top and before I do he thinks that he can explain away his and his twins’ bad behavior as a necessary thing to see cool and intellectual stuff. It, of course, doesn’t fly. As we are driving away Drew asks if I want to go to the parade and take Alex with me. I tell him that I can’t do that. That it is because of Adam’s and his hot laps around the library and their repeated refusal to listen that we are leaving and that I have to keep the two of them with me since they are so young. He explains that he would like me to go to the parade and to take Alex, that we would have a good time. I agree that Alex deserves to go but that that is an impossibility. I wonder where we are going with this conversation so I keep playing along. Then he gets to the heart of this. I could take Alex to the parade and he and Adam would come along only so that they could be safe and stay with me so that I could watch them and then I would also be able to see the parade. That was some clever thinking and quick too. I go back and forth about what I think my sons will be one day but somehow defense attorney always squeezes in there, for both of them.

Avoiding Prison

   I have mentioned sitting my kids on the stairs several times. To be clear, I sit them on the stairs for their own protection. It gets them away from me and I can cool off. If it isn’t the stairs that I use to keep them away, it’s my husband. There have been many nights that I have told my husband that he is what stands between me and prison.

Telling On Yourself

     Something that drives me nuts is tattling. If it’s something vitally important, fine, but other than that, no. My twins had gotten in the very bad habit of tattling for the most trivial of things. One poked the other in the arm, someone called the other one dumb, you know, the truly earth shattering things. When this all started I would have them both stand there and I’d try to figure out what happened based on the things I was told. Adam would tell on Drew for hitting him. I asked Drew why he hit Adam; he’d say because Adam kicked him, I’d ask Adam if he kicked Drew. He’d say yes. I’d ask why he kicked Drew, he’d say because Drew threw a toy at him. I asked if they realized they were telling on themselves in the process of telling on their brother. The looks on their faces were so funny, stunned realization of admission of their part in the atrocity. Finally the whole thing got convoluted and trying to keep the timeline of offenses in order was not working. I had no clue who started what but was asking why they’d tell on each other when they both were being bad and that someone had started it and that since I didn’t know who exactly started it that they were both in trouble. This met with lots of whining which is also fun to hear, ranks right up there with tattling on my list of things that drive me nuts. So now, everyone gets in trouble and scolded or made to sit on the stairs. If I have nothing on one of them other than they were tattling, well, then, that’s their crime. I can’t make a decision on who’s in the right or the wrong since neither of them remembers what started their fight so to make sure I nail the guilty party and not punish the one in the right, both get it. It’s an imperfect system but it’s all I’ve got.

Harry Potter is Real

   We saw a young man in a Ferrari jacket one day. Adam was so excited because that emblem means
that that guy knew Harry Potter and was in Gryffindor. I worked on telling him what Ferrari is and
that they use a similar symbol but he is a fan of Harry Potter to be sure and sometimes there is no
convincing a fan of the truth.

Keeping It Fair, Even Under the Most Disgusting Circumstances

            Getting haircuts is always an adventure and it usually never goes well. This week is absolutely no exception at all. We hustle in the door. We’re on time. We’re oblivious to the dead bird on the sidewalk that we just breezed past. My son’s stylist, Kelly, asks if we saw the bird as she is trimming up Adam’s little mane. I tell her we did not see it. She had been told earlier in the day that it was there and that it was bad for business to have it there. She was alone in the shop that day and said that she was not going anywhere near it. She wondered if someone had taken care of it since we didn’t see it but I told her that we most likely were all talking and rushing and could’ve easily missed seeing it so Alex, Drew and myself decide to investigate. We are without Adam’s leadership as he is indisposed, he is unavailable, he is in the middle of receiving his bowl cut. We press on without him. We edge toward the door. I reach for the handle and ease the door open. We all peek out the door and there it is! The horror! The cold reality of it all! Yes, the bird is still there and it is still dead. We shut the door and report our findings to the proprietor. Kelly. She is not at all surprised to hear that it is still there and still dead. We move along to the next topic. Adam, however, is now done with his haircut and is ready to be included in the mission but alas, it’s been completed successfully. He is unsatisfied with this. He is unhappy that he was excluded. He wants to see the dead bird and he tells us so by vehemently expressing to us that, “You all got to see the dead bird! I want to see it to!” Oh, to keep things fair between all the children and not be seen as one who plays favorites. Of course I must include him. I walk him to the window and point it out. Ah, to be a member of the family and included in the important things.

Reproduction

            One day, coming home from a concert at the high school we saw some bald eagles. They are really common in our area these days but I never tire of seeing them. Drew was asking if eagles have baby eagles. I told him they lay eggs like all birds. He asked if all animals lay eggs and I told him no, that some are born like he was, all wiggly and small and not in an egg. I also explained that everything has babies or they just can’t continue to exist, that I had been a child and now I have children and that they will someday have children, everything must have children if they are to continue in our world and that if eagles stopped laying eggs that they would no longer be around someday. Adam decided to enter this conversation. “Not everything has babies” he says. I disagree with him. He tells me that power lines don’t have babies. I tell him that he is correct in his assessment. I guess I neglected to mention that these things that have babies to continue in our world have to be living things. And here I thought I’d done so well in my explanation.